068 Stuff

Feb. 5th, 2015 08:50 am
autumnmuse: By me (Default)
I find it difficult to express myself when things are at their worst. Instead, I recoil into my own mind and stew over things until I can either move past them or ‘get over it’. That’s been me the last week or so. Dropping myself into World of Warcraft as an escape when I’m home, and either working on school work or writing fiction in my free time.

Of course, it’s around dad. This new chemo hits him a lot harder than the last two he had, and the fact he is going every week now versus the every other week with the other treatments, is really deteriorating him faster. He was looking so good and doing so well the last year, but in the last two months since on this new treatment, it’s like night and day. He’s always in bed, he doesn’t want to eat (because he just can’t—everything makes him nauseous or throw up), he has no energy, the other treatments didn’t make him lose his hair except a very little in the very beginning, but now he is completely bald ): And wears a cap all the time. He always looks pale and just so very very tired. Two nights ago he was in bed with a lot of stomach pains, and no matter what we did for him, he didn’t feel better. It’s just so hard to watch him like this and I can’t help but cry whenever I get a moment to myself to really just be alone. I try not to let myself be alone though … hence the always playing WoW now, or trying to always be around someone else…because it forces me to be strong and not cry.

I’m so glad I am in school though. It’s amazing how much thinking about assignments or working or reading for class distracts me. If I think too hard, I just might end up in the looney bin.

This of course means I’ve been a shitty friend because I’ve been neglecting my friend’s page. My sincerest apologies ): I hope to get back to being better about that soon.

In other borning news, we’ve gotten a crapton of snow. The storm they said was supposed to be snowgeddon and ended up not being much? It came the following Monday when they said we weren’t going to get all that much and to not worry – ended up getting almost 2 feet! Everything is piled high on street corners making it almost impossible to see around, and I’m amazed I don’t see more accidents on the road due to that. Worst part? It’s snowing again this morning (only a few inches today to stop at 11am) …but supposedly it’s going to start snowing Saturday night and basically not stop until Tuesday night. Yeah. I don’t know how ‘much’ snow its supposed to be each day (if just a little flurry here and there, but definite snowfall) or if it will be a full blown snow storm for the those days … I really hope its not the latter. While I like a storm here and there to miss a day of work, I do not like having THIS much snow ruining morning and afternoon commutes for days on end. Ugh.

It does make for a pretty landscape where is untouched by road salt and dirt, and cars plowing through it on a daily basis. I might (if I actually feel like getting cold and probably soaked) take my camera and go out to a nearby park Saturday and snap some photographs. I haven’t done that in years and I am kind of itching to. If it’s bad out though on Saturday, I most likely won’t. While I trust MY driving (duh) … I really don’t trust other people’s (:D).

AND, I just made it in time to check in at [community profile] getyourwordsout for my 200K pledge. So far this year I've written a total of 19,647 words! That includes the book I'm writing plus the short story I shared here earlier in the month about Zombies.

057

Jan. 14th, 2015 10:17 pm
autumnmuse: by shalowater.livejournal.com (Wintry landscape)
January 14 - What are you excited about at the moment?[personal profile] serys 

Sad commentary on my life when I admit I am excited that classes have started back up. They help distract me from a lot of stuff going on right now. Plus I love history and its kind of a secret joy to take history classes for my major.

Had my first class today for Modern Japanese History and it looks to be a good course. I already have an assignment due Friday though, ha. That I don't miss too much.

That and I wrote about 4,000 words today, which made me feel good (and a story I'm pretty hyped about). I am hoping to write more tomorrow. 

In other brief news, I've been extremely emotional lately with everything going on with my dad. It's become really bad (basically crying every night to sleep). I really think I need to find a professional to talk to because I don't know how much more I can of this emotional roller coaster. Hopefully I can find someone ... and soon.
autumnmuse: by shalowater.livejournal.com (Small Xmas Tree)
My father is here with us. All the tests came back clear and they doctors have absolutely no idea what may have caused all the pain he had. It's a sucky feeling, not knowing what was causing it, but Im thankful it was nothing serious and he looks 100% better from Monday. That has been my best gift this holiday.

I just finished making some heath cupcakes and decorated them with some very sketchy trees :D I took some photos, which I'll upload sometime next week. My brother's cheated and each had one already and they enjoyed them. I just threw the heath bar bits into the batter and hoped it would turn out good.

Otherwise, I just want to wish everyone who celebrates it a very Merry Christmas! In less than hour it will be Christmas day here. <3

holidaysbanner
autumnmuse: by shalowater.livejournal.com (wintry woods)
I feel very overwhelmed. I haven't written because my dad doesn't want anyone knowing, but I have to write or Ill explode. Dad wasn't feeling well at all since Thursday. He's been having crazy shivers, a horrible pressure in his stomach, and just overall sense of horrible-ness (Nausea, etc). Seeing him so broken makes me feel so helpless and pissed off.

Well, it only got worse, to the point that Monday morning we called my dad's oncologist. We got my dad's nurse, Sheila, who I actually really like. She told us that even though it might not be what it could be (bowl perforation), she was letting it be up to us whether to take dad to the ER so we could be sure because his symptoms were also symptoms of the bowl perforation.

Of course, we didn't want to take any chances. Thing is, we're all up here in the Berkshires (which thankfully is only an hour and a half away from home/hospital). My dad didn't want all of us to go. He didn't want to ruin the trip for everyone so he basically had me and my brother DTP stay behind, while he, my mom, NTP and Trisha went to the hospital yesterday morning and got there about Noon.

I have hated that decision this entire time. Being here, pretending to have a good time, is the opposite of what we're doing. We're stressing out, on edge, and wishing all kinds of things. We've been calling and texting the entire time, but I hate it. I want to be there with him. Never mind that the hospital doesn't have space for all of us to spend the night with him ... it's not the point.

Initial tests said it wasn't the bowl perforation, but the doctor found his gallbladder quite inflamed which considering everything else going on with dad, can be a major issue. They did an MRI earlier tonight (6ish) to see what might be causing it to be inflamed. We're hoping its just some build up they can give medication for. My brother NTP said they might know something tonight, but probably tomorrow.

DTP and I agreed that if my dad isn't released in the AM with the all-okay we're packing up and heading home. I wanted to this morning but NTP said that would just my dad feel worse, as if he's ruined out week. I hate it, but he's right. My dad will take it to mean something is really bad and that is why we're rushing home. It's not even that ... It's the week of Christmas, we should all be together.

I can't wait for this horrible year to be over. I want my dad to feel better. I want him to stop looking like he is at death's door (it was so bad these last few days, he looked so sick, broken and done ... I think my tear ducts have no more tears). I want to stop feeling so damn helpless.

DTP and I have basically been trying to keep from going nuts by working on a 750 piece puzzle, and when that gets tiring on the eyes, I've been reading. I finished my first non-school book this year--sad, I know. It was actually a really great read, and kept me distracted for a little bit. I took time actually reviewing it too. Usually I just give books stars and move on, but I wrote up a review (which I'll post under a cut.

Otherwise, we've been sitting around just waiting for news. I hope he gets released in the morning with good news (as good as this kind of stuff can give). I just want to go home, honestly. I just want to pack everything and go.


Snow Like Ashes (Snow Like Ashes, #1)Snow Like Ashes by Sara Raasch

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I wish I could give half stars because this would be 4.5 stars. It was a truly enjoyable read (read it all in one day). This is the first debut novel by Sara, and considering that, she is truly talented.

Sara weaves a beautiful tale, in a world run by the seasons, with Spring on a serious power trip to overrun all of the other seasons. Having already wiped out Winter, enslaved its people and on the hunt for its Prince, Spring is planning the ultimate coup. Too bad that the night Winter fell, 25 Winterians escaped.

Continue Reading - Snow Like Ashes Review )





autumnmuse: by shalowater.livejournal.com (Wintry landscape)
I had to request this Friday off. I just knew it was going to be a painfully long day, and I have so much to get done at home before we leave Sunday, that I would just rather use the day to do it.

Dad hasn’t been feeling well the last two days, and it’s totally stressing us all out. He thinks it’s the new chemo, but I think he’s coming down with a cold. He went in for his treatment today (still there), and the doctor said it might be a 24HR bug and we’re hoping that is all it is. We were going to come down next week from the Berkshires for his chemo session on Wednesday (it’s an hour and 40ish minutes away, so not that far) …but we’ve decided that if he’s not feeling so great next week, the Doctor said it’s okay if he doesn’t come.

It’s just so rough. My mom has been so strong this last year, and it’s honestly shocked me (she is very sensitive, and the slightest things make her emotional, hence my surprise). So yesterday we went shopping for some things for next week, and she was clearly very distraught, emotional and I told her she needs someone to talk to (we all do). She’s been holding it all in, but she said she has a coworker who really listens, and has been great. I just wish I could do more for both of my parents, but all we can really do right now is spend time together and keep hoping for the best. I just hate to see my mom so depressed and my dad so sick, ugh. Life can be quite cruel sometimes.

In other non-emotional news …

Last night I went through my stack of books on my “to-read” shelf at home of paperbacks. I have a LOT of books I have to read still, but I picked out four to bring with me next week. Plus, I’ll have my kindle books (which I just went through them all, and created a new Goodreads account—add me if you would like—and added all the kindle books I have NOT read).  I am hoping to get quite a bit read while away, so I can start off the new year having read a few books for pleasure before getting back into school books.

We just finished our Holiday party at work. It was a lot of fun, with a LOT of food and desserts. I sat with my usual trouble crew, and of course had way too much fun at a work event. They gave us two whole hours too, which was very nice. I really do love 99% of my coworkers <3

029

Dec. 11th, 2014 10:20 am
autumnmuse: by shalowater.livejournal.com (mittens hot mug)
I could really use that hot mug of what I am going to say is hot cocoa with whip cream on top :D It's chilly here, and there are flurries falling, but not enough to cause any serious road situations. It looks very peaceful and pretty.

Which is so not how I am feeling. Dad's results from last week's CT Scan showed no change. To say we are disheartened is an understatement. I was so upset yesterday (when we found out), that I had to leave work early and head home. I ended up crashing and just sleeping until about 6pm. Then I got up and came down to hang out with the folks for a while (they'd been at the bro's house, and had just gotten home).

He looks good, he looks healthy, but knowing he's not is a cruel joke in my opinion. The doctor has once again changed the type of chemo he has to take, and now he has to go every single week (instead of every other week). He said my dad is lucky that there was some "thing" in his blood that allows him to take this type of chemo, because only 10% of people can. I am hoping that's the good sign we need, and this chemo kills those bastard cancer cells.

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