autumnmuse

I feel very overwhelmed. I haven't written because my dad doesn't want anyone knowing, but I have to write or Ill explode. Dad wasn't feeling well at all since Thursday. He's been having crazy shivers, a horrible pressure in his stomach, and just overall sense of horrible-ness (Nausea, etc). Seeing him so broken makes me feel so helpless and pissed off.

Well, it only got worse, to the point that Monday morning we called my dad's oncologist. We got my dad's nurse, Sheila, who I actually really like. She told us that even though it might not be what it could be (bowl perforation), she was letting it be up to us whether to take dad to the ER so we could be sure because his symptoms were also symptoms of the bowl perforation.

Of course, we didn't want to take any chances. Thing is, we're all up here in the Berkshires (which thankfully is only an hour and a half away from home/hospital). My dad didn't want all of us to go. He didn't want to ruin the trip for everyone so he basically had me and my brother DTP stay behind, while he, my mom, NTP and Trisha went to the hospital yesterday morning and got there about Noon.

I have hated that decision this entire time. Being here, pretending to have a good time, is the opposite of what we're doing. We're stressing out, on edge, and wishing all kinds of things. We've been calling and texting the entire time, but I hate it. I want to be there with him. Never mind that the hospital doesn't have space for all of us to spend the night with him ... it's not the point.

Initial tests said it wasn't the bowl perforation, but the doctor found his gallbladder quite inflamed which considering everything else going on with dad, can be a major issue. They did an MRI earlier tonight (6ish) to see what might be causing it to be inflamed. We're hoping its just some build up they can give medication for. My brother NTP said they might know something tonight, but probably tomorrow.

DTP and I agreed that if my dad isn't released in the AM with the all-okay we're packing up and heading home. I wanted to this morning but NTP said that would just my dad feel worse, as if he's ruined out week. I hate it, but he's right. My dad will take it to mean something is really bad and that is why we're rushing home. It's not even that ... It's the week of Christmas, we should all be together.

I can't wait for this horrible year to be over. I want my dad to feel better. I want him to stop looking like he is at death's door (it was so bad these last few days, he looked so sick, broken and done ... I think my tear ducts have no more tears). I want to stop feeling so damn helpless.

DTP and I have basically been trying to keep from going nuts by working on a 750 piece puzzle, and when that gets tiring on the eyes, I've been reading. I finished my first non-school book this year--sad, I know. It was actually a really great read, and kept me distracted for a little bit. I took time actually reviewing it too. Usually I just give books stars and move on, but I wrote up a review (which I'll post under a cut.

Otherwise, we've been sitting around just waiting for news. I hope he gets released in the morning with good news (as good as this kind of stuff can give). I just want to go home, honestly. I just want to pack everything and go.


Snow Like Ashes by Sara Raasch

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I wish I could give half stars because this would be 4.5 stars. It was a truly enjoyable read (read it all in one day). This is the first debut novel by Sara, and considering that, she is truly talented.

Sara weaves a beautiful tale, in a world run by the seasons, with Spring on a serious power trip to overrun all of the other seasons. Having already wiped out Winter, enslaved its people and on the hunt for its Prince, Spring is planning the ultimate coup. Too bad that the night Winter fell, 25 Winterians escaped.

( Continue Reading - Snow Like Ashes Review )

I could really use that hot mug of what I am going to say is hot cocoa with whip cream on top :D It's chilly here, and there are flurries falling, but not enough to cause any serious road situations. It looks very peaceful and pretty.

Which is so not how I am feeling. Dad's results from last week's CT Scan showed no change. To say we are disheartened is an understatement. I was so upset yesterday (when we found out), that I had to leave work early and head home. I ended up crashing and just sleeping until about 6pm. Then I got up and came down to hang out with the folks for a while (they'd been at the bro's house, and had just gotten home).

He looks good, he looks healthy, but knowing he's not is a cruel joke in my opinion. The doctor has once again changed the type of chemo he has to take, and now he has to go every single week (instead of every other week). He said my dad is lucky that there was some "thing" in his blood that allows him to take this type of chemo, because only 10% of people can. I am hoping that's the good sign we need, and this chemo kills those bastard cancer cells.